There is a Russian bug in the White house, above the fireplace in Trump’s residence. Listening carefully to The Donald’s conversation with his English Butler – Albert – I can share the following transcript which we obtained exclusively by hacking Russian intelligence computers for our lucky readers, from about 10 days ago.

Trump: Albert, this hamburger you brought in is excellent. Love it.

Albert: Yes, sir. I had it made specially for you. I know you have a lot on your mind.

Trump: Well, I’m trying to get all the pieces in place, so we can blow up Iran next year. There’s a lot to do.

Albert: Yes, sir, I know. Are you having trouble reading the brief?

Trump: I’m I can’t remember all the tasks, and I’m a little confused.

Albert: Well sir, I can read it for you – and help you understand it all.

Trump: Yes, Albert why don’t you do that?

Albert: Well the first item is you must persuade the Saudi’s to get their ARAMCO IPO done in the U.S. this year.

Trump: Why is that number one on the list?

Albert: Well if war breaks out with Iran, the Persian Gulf will be shut down, and they’ll more than likely attack the Saudi fields… where there are majority Shiites (in Saudi Arabia). So we need the IPO to bring all that Saudi cash into the U.S. and have the money here if their oil fields blow up. It’ll help the U.S. economy, and create a cash cushion while their oil industry is down.

Trump: Okay, okay. I think we have that all figured out What else is on the list?

Albert: Well after the IPO, there needs to be a market correction. Its imminent. Stock values are overvalued, and we must get through the correction, so that war doesn’t tank the economy. It needs to tank first before we bomb them. Then during the war, it’ll look like a rebound is in effect.

Trump: That’s smart. Did you think of it?

Albert: No, it’s on the list that Misters Netenyahu, Pompeo and Cotton compiled for you.

Trump: Oh!

Albert: Well the next item on the list is we must get through the mid-term elections.

Trump: Yes, yes… we can’t have an election while we’re at war. That makes sense. That’s the right sequence, IPO, market correction, then mid=terms.  What next?

Albert: Brexit! Its scheduled for March next year!

Trump: I know that’s near and dear to your heart! Eh?

Albert: Sir, yes…. Britain needs to be immunized from the Iran war. We can’t have droves of Iranian refugees swarming Britain!  Let the Germans eat them! And the spike in oil and gas prices will bankrupt Europe!

Trump: I know the Europeans think I’m an idiot, but they’re the ones I’m going to fuck! But anyway, this item is for Britain to deal with, its not for me to do anything on right now.

Albert: Ha … Ha! Very funny sir! Let me get to the next one.  The Korea nuke deal.

Trump: That’s a tough one. But we must let the winter Olympics wrap up. And Brexit must happen. But we must get a deal with North Korea, otherwise they’ll give Iran nukes and we can’t have that.

Albert: Yes, for now you must keep certifying the Iran nuke deal, so they don’t sniff out our plan and re-start their program. Meanwhile, you must get to some sort of a deal with North Korea. And then after you have a deal with North Korea, then you can stop certifying the Iran nuke deal – and they won’t have enough time or a backup supply to get nukes before we blow them up. Yes, you must have a deal with North Korea first. And then, when the Iranians restart their program, you will have a perfect excuse to attack them!!

Trump: Yes, we’ve played them very well.

Albert: Well there is another task on this list. One more.

Trump: What else?

Albert: A deal with Putin.

Trump; Yes, that’s right. We must get a deal there too. We can’t have the Russians help Iran like they helped Syria.

Albert: Yes, trade off Ukraine for Iran. Its easy.

Trump: Sounds easy, but they’re not budging right now. But we must motivate them a little. Syria has made them arrogant. And the Turks are slowing drifting into their arms. Not easy.

Albert: But if anyone can do it, you can.

Trump: Well I think we must get the Russians motivated. That’s what I need to focus on right now. The Russians are key.

Albert: Yes, the Russians are key. They are helping the North Koreans. They have forces in Syria… and heavily engaged with Iran. But with all the deals you’ve done with Russian oligarchs, and all the money they gave you, I know you have an inside track with Russia.

Trump: Yes, I know. But, its not easy. Putin is a tough negotiator. He wants more than Ukraine, he’s looking for Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania too. And He wants to suck in Kazakhstan … he basically wants to recreate the old Soviet Union.

Albert: Well there’s about 18 months before we blow up Tehran on 9/11/19! So, you need to work on Putin … fast. I know you can do it!

Trump: Its hard. Its hard. Mmmh this hamburger is good! Thank you, Albert. Thank you for reading the check list for me. Its just too many items, and I can’t keep up. But you’ve fed me well and re-energized me. You are the best!!  Let’s go over the list again soon. I can’t focus on more than one or two things at a time! And now I’ve got the government shut down to deal with. So we’ll get back to this list afterwards.

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